I didn't intend to make this blog all about my emotions and was hoping to catapult this into an area where I can summarize goals and ambitions for the shop, but... here we are. I'm not sure who even reads these, but I think it's cathartic to have a space where I can speak (or, I guess write) into the void. Maybe someone is listening.
After my grandpa's passing and funeral, life moved in such a way that I could only describe as uncertain. Did we do everything he may have wanted? Was he happy? Did he have enough support in his life to feel like he could leave with no regrets? Although I had such a difficult relationship with him, seeing how dementia affects someone--especially a family member, was a process that was difficult to overcome. I've only lost my grandmother and my uncle a couple years prior, and a few weeks later, my best friend's grandma had passed as well. It was a lot to take in. My biggest fear is death, even if not the process, but what lies beyond this existence. I can't even begin to conceptualize what existence is like on the other side, or if it will feel similar to how we know it currently. Is it happier? Is it harder? The fear of the unknown feels suffocating, and I am curious by nature, but with that comes a lot of anxiety that I'm not willing to unpack, nor am I ready to explore.
My grandmother's (my dad's mom) health has declined rapidly over the past few weeks and seeing my only living grandparent on what may be the last moments of their life tied to a hospital bed with life support has been overwhelmingly familiar and fucking painful. In midst of all this heartache and confusion, I've had multiple job interviews lined up, and having to balance productivity with mourning has been so confusing. I'm running on fumes, even if distracted, what will happen when things finally calm down? Will I break? Or will this be another episode where I just brush things under the rug and pretend that this is just life? And, for a while I thought that if this is what life meant--losing multiple loved ones in the span of four years and scrambling to find peace in the middle of grief--I told myself that I didn't want it. I don't want to watch the heartache break across my parents' faces, I don't want to watch the guilt hang over our heads like we are fish on a hook. I don't want to re-live the hardest parts of the end of my twenties again, nor do I know how I will handle the inevitable when it comes to having to do this again for my parents. Sure, I've explored many buddhist philosophies on remaining in the present, as you can't change what's already happened and you can't change what will happen in the future... but I aimlessly wander in the thoughts of could haves, what ifs, and possibilities. I guess in short, I'm tired.
"Grief is not linear."
"There are five stages to grief."
"You can't change what's already happened, focus on what's happening."
All thoughts I consume myself with to try and just come back to balance, but I don't think I've prepared myself enough for what happens when those thoughts wipe away and all I can think about is the guilt, the heartache, and the anxiety. I'm not prepared.
But who ever was?
In short, tldr;
Grief fucking sucks.
